I endeavoured to develop an attachment to coffee this past Saturday evening while at work, and my striving appears to have been a success, as I have developed a fondness for the darkest roast we currently offer: the Italian. Oh yes, I skipped the light and medium roasts (which tasted bloody awful in my opinion) and headed straight for the darker blend, no cream, no sugar. I mean, if it’s going to taste awful, it had better taste awful, you know? None of this medium/light roast chicanery which pretends at being agreeable; its sting is much worse. The pretentions of lighter blends are much more distasteful and insidious.

Mirrors

I have been horrified before all mirrors
not just before the impenetrable glass,
and end and the beginning of that space,
inhabited by nothing but reflections,

but faced with specular water, mirroring
the other blue within its bottomless sky,
incised at times by illusory flight
of inverted birds, or troubled by a ripple,

or face to face with the unspeaking surface
of ghostly ebony whose very hardness
reflects, as if within a dream, the whiteness
of spectral marble or a spectral rose.

Now, after so many troubling years
of wandering beneath the wavering moon,
I ask myself what accident of fortune
handed to me this terror of all mirrors—

mirrors of metal and the shrouded mirror
of sheer mahogany which is the twilight
of its uncertain red softens the face
what watches and in turn is watched by it.

I look on them as infinite, elemental
fulfillers of a very ancient pact
to multiply the world, as in the act
of generation, sleepless and dangerous.

They extenuate this vain and dubious world
within the web of their own vertigo.
Sometimes at evening they are clouded over
by someone’s breath, someone who is not dead.

The glass is watching us. And if a mirror
hangs somewhere on the four walls of my room,
I am not alone. There’s another reflection
which in the dawn enacts its own dumb show.

Everything happens, nothing is remembered
in those dimensioned cabinets of glass
in which, like rabbis in fantastic stories,
we read the lines of text from right to left.

Claudius, king for an evening, king in a dream,
did not know he was a dream until that day
on which an actor mimed his felony
with silent artifice, in a tableau.

Strange, that there are dreams, that there are mirrors.
Strange that the ordinary, worn-out ways
of every day encompass the imagined
and endless universe worn by reflections.

God (I’ve begun to think) implants a promise
in all that insubstantial architecture
that makes light out of the impervious surface
of glass, and makes the shadow out of dreams.

God has created nights well-populated
with dreams, crowded with mirror images,
so that man may feel that he is nothing more
than vain reflection. That’s what frightens us.

—Jorge Luis Borges, as translated by Alastair Reid

My goodness, Mr. Butler. We might as well lock me in a
tower instead.

My amendments:

Stipulation 4 to be amended to read:
All applicants must be able to agree to the Westminster Standards and / or the Three Forms of Unity as expressive of the one, true, Christian faith, and of their own personal faith. Paedo-communionism and tendency toward high liturgy a plus.

Stipulation 5 to be amended to read:
All applicants must be gainfully employed and earning enough to support themselves and a wife and child(ren). Credit reports, earnings statements, bank records, etc., to be submitted upon request. Debt-loads greater than fifteen percent of the applicant’s annual gross earnings will be subject to review by IBF Services. Applicants further must submit a plan for the purchase, in full, of a house, to be accomplished prior to engagement. However, the honesty and majesty of poverty concerning poor applicants and poverty-stricken bohemian applicants will be given due consideration.

Stipulation 9 to be amended to read:
Applicants must be owners of a personal library of at least 500 books in paper or vellum format, of which he
has read at least 100 % of half. Works found in the Harvard Classics will be worth two titles’ credit. Little Golden Books, comic books or works containing at least 25% illustrations will not be included in the count, unless they are of the do-it-yourself handyman or auto repair variety. Applicants must also be the owner of at least 300 records in CD or vinyl format, of which he has listened to at least 100% of half. Records dating pre-1990 will be worth two titles’ credit. Atrocious records indicating inconstancy of good taste and character will be accepted provided the applicant can provide a valid excuse for their inclusion in his collection, as like to
a) It was given me;
b) cultural artifact;
c) Found it on the street, etc.

Stipulation 10 to be amended to read:
Applicants must submit hand-written essays of at least five blue-book’s length each on the theme of personal religion and theodicy in the works of Tom Waits, Rod Argent, Johnny and June Carter Cash, Puccinni, Proust, Tolkien, Solzhenitsyn, Tom Clancy, Bruce Springsteen, Raskolnikov, The Common Book of Prayer,Godspeed You Black Emperor!, Ang Lee, Spike Lee, Stan Lee, John Cale, Emmylou Harris, Igmar Bergman, The Brothers Wachowski, Dostoyevsky, James Joyce, Henry James, The Clash, T.S. Eliot, Townes Van Zandt, Eco, Borges, Van Til, John Donne, Robert Graves, William Carlos Williams, Turgenev, Derrida, Linklater, Nick Cave, Bob Dylan, Hunter S. Thompson, Jane Austen, Radiohead, Elliott Smith, Iris Murdoch, Will Oldham, Leonard Cohen, Morrissey, The Pixies, and Lou Reed. The right is reserved to spontaneously demand a five blue-book’s legnth on any topic, listed or non-listed, so long as we both shall live.

Stipulation 12 to be amended to read:
Applicants must submit papers of at least 20 pages in length on the following topics:

a) Why women must not be in the military;
b) My plans for conducting family worship;
c) Why you prefer to self-load your shotgun shells
rather than get store-bought;
d) On the merits of dark lagers;
e) On the merits of box- verses torpedo-shaped cigars;
f) On the theme “If I Could Be An X-Man, Which One Would I Be?”;
g) My Philosophy of Coffee;
h) The Sign & The Signified;
i) Can Poetry Matter?;
j) The Grand Inquisitor;
k) What’s the Frequency Kenneth?;
l) Who is John Galt?;
m) The 100 Most Beautiful Words in the English Language;
n) Why Pottery Barn and the Gap Are doubleplusgood;
o) The Virtues and Nobility of The Thriftstore Aristocracy;
p) The Dangers of Clear Channel and Mega-Multi-Media-Corporate-Conglomerate Synergies;
q) Margaret Wise Brown’s books;
r) St. Dominic as Compared to St. Francis;
s) Why Gregory Boyd is a Heretic;
t) Aniconic V. Iconic Religious Imagery;
u) Kurt Cobain Was Murdered, and Where Is Kevin Sheilds?;
v) Why Postmodern Art Isn’t ‘Suicide Art’;
w) Why the British Manner of Spelling Is Superiour to the American Way;
x) Typology;
y) ” A Perfect Day for Banana Fish”;
z) Why Little Boys Should Be Allowed to Play with Toy Guns.

Stipulation 13 to be amended to read:
Applicants may not utilize the word “dude” except to refer to men of eastern USA origin who know next to nothing ’bout
ropin’ and ridin’ and brandin’. Applicants will refer to other males as gentlemen.

Pastor Butler’s IBF Services’ Internet Boyfriend Filter (IBF), ver. 1.0 (beta) filtering criteria:

1. All applicants must be hetero - males of marriageable age.
2. All applicants must be biblically qualified to marry (see Westminster Confession of Faith, Chapter 24).
3. All applicants must be professing Christians and members in good standing with an evangelical church.
4. All applicants must be able to agree to the Westminster Standards and / or the Three Forms of Unity as expressive of the one, true, Christian faith, and of their own personal faith.
5. All applicants must be gainfully employed and earning enough to support themselves and a wife and child(ren). Credit reports, earnings statements, bank records, etc., to be submitted upon request. Debt-loads greater than fifteen percent of the applicant’s annual gross earnings will be subject to review by IBF Services. Applicants further must submit a plan for the purchase, in full, of a house, to be accomplished prior to engagement.
6. All applicants must submit to a background check, to include a check of criminal record and interviews with elders of his church.
7. All applicants must subscribe to Net Accountability monitoring service for every computer they normally
access, with record of sites surfed regularly emailed by Net Accountability to IBF Services and to the specific client served. All applicants must submit an affidavit of record of videos / DVDs rented and/or purchased within the past 12 months.
8. All online chat sessions with client will be monitored in real time by IBF Services. Any warnings issued by IBF Services or by the specific client will be grounds for termination of access to clients of IBF Services.
9. Applicants must be owners of a personal library of at least 500 books in paper or vellum format, of which
he has read at least 100 % of half. Works found in the Harvard Classics will be worth two titles’ credit. Little Golden Books, comic books or works containing at least 25% illustrations will not be included in the count, unless they are of the do-it-yourself handyman or auto repair variety.
10. Applicants must submit hand-written essays of a least one blue-book’s length each on the theme of
personal religion and theodicy in the works of Tom Waits, Rod Argent, Johnny and June Carter Cash, Puccinni, Proust, Tolkien, Solzhenitsyn, Ang Lee, and Spike Lee.
11. Applicants must submit a notarized inventory of personally-owned tools, plus photos of 5 projects of work solely their own, completed within the past 6 months. Rebuilding of computers or peripherals will not be counted.
12. Applicants must submit papers of at least 20 pages in length on the following topics:
a) Why women must not be in the military;
b) My plans for conducting family worship;
c) Why you prefer to self-load your shotgun shells rather than get store-bought;
d) On the merits of dark lagers.
e) On the merits of box- verses torpedo-shaped cigars
f) On the theme “If I Could Be An X-Man, Which One Would I Be?”
13. Applicants may not utilize the word “dude” except to refer to men of eastern USA origin who know next to nothing ’bout ropin’ and ridin’ and brandin’.

This afternoon and evening at work, owing to your disapproval of my derision regarding coffee, Gentlemen Coffee Drinkers, I am going to put forth a concerted effort to develop a fondness for the vile drink. I presume that it shall be rather taxing.

Two days ago at work I was fooling around with the store’s computer cataloge and started looking up the names of authors I knew. Low and behold, Mr. Gregory Daly’s book was said to be in stock. I went forthwith to search for it in the Ancient/Classics section but some anonymous person had beat me to it and bought the only copy we had about two weeks before. So, Mr. Daly, while I might not have been able to take a look at your book, at least it appears your book is selling!

Sarie Q: So what about The Sign & The Signified. Where do I start?
dansilliman: you want to go straight to source material?
dansilliman: or an intro to Derrida?
Sarie Q: Something that I can get a good handle on…
Sarie Q: Hm.
dansilliman: well, Derrida in a Nutshell by Caputo is really good to get into
dansilliman: if you want to read the man himself, I’m trying to dig into “Of Grammatology”
dansilliman: which is kinda the start of Deconstruction, as I understand
dansilliman: that help?
Sarie Q: Yes.
dansilliman: k
dansilliman: your war on coffee always makes me laugh
Sarie Q: It tastes bad!
Sarie Q: Now I know I can’t prove it, but one day I’ll find a way to!
dansilliman: it taste’s bad the same way wine, whiskey and beer taste bad
dansilliman: it’s different than everything else
Sarie Q: No! Wine, whiskey, and beer taste wonderful.
dansilliman: as does coffee
Sarie Q: One day I shall mathematically prove that coffee tastes bad…
dansilliman: it just takes getting used to
dansilliman: I would deny mathematical proof, so don’t think it’ll work much.
Sarie Q: I shall prove it according to the Laws of Theology then.
dansilliman: that’ll be good
dansilliman: I find the war funny because you live like someone who’s pro coffee
dansilliman: you would never be suspect
Sarie Q: Yes, I know. I’m undercover.
dansilliman: sort of like my moral argument against short showers
dansilliman: undercover often means sell-out, of course
dansilliman: you have surrendered to the man, and he drinks coffee
dansilliman: I’ve gotta jet. Good to razz you.
Sarie Q: I think I might, just to defy you coffee-
drinking men, stop talking to coffee-drinking men, and
exclusively to whiskey-drinking me. I would undoubtedly land myself in a lot of trouble, though. But, well, defiance is sometimes worth it. I’ll have none of this coffee tomfoolery.
dansilliman: My coffee and whiskey intakes aren’t roughly similar, so I’m in under both catagories.
dansilliman: close call that
Sarie Q: Great. Now I have to come up with new categorisations, heirarchies, divisions…
dansilliman: bianaries
Sarie Q: I meant to say “whiskey-drinking men” not “whiskey-drinking me.” Me is not that whiskey-drinking, goodness.