My goodness, Mr. Butler. We might as well lock me in a
tower instead.
My amendments:
Stipulation 4 to be amended to read:
All applicants must be able to agree to the Westminster Standards and / or the Three Forms of Unity as expressive of the one, true, Christian faith, and of their own personal faith. Paedo-communionism and tendency toward high liturgy a plus.
Stipulation 5 to be amended to read:
All applicants must be gainfully employed and earning enough to support themselves and a wife and child(ren). Credit reports, earnings statements, bank records, etc., to be submitted upon request. Debt-loads greater than fifteen percent of the applicant’s annual gross earnings will be subject to review by IBF Services. Applicants further must submit a plan for the purchase, in full, of a house, to be accomplished prior to engagement. However, the honesty and majesty of poverty concerning poor applicants and poverty-stricken bohemian applicants will be given due consideration.
Stipulation 9 to be amended to read:
Applicants must be owners of a personal library of at least 500 books in paper or vellum format, of which he
has read at least 100 % of half. Works found in the Harvard Classics will be worth two titles’ credit. Little Golden Books, comic books or works containing at least 25% illustrations will not be included in the count, unless they are of the do-it-yourself handyman or auto repair variety. Applicants must also be the owner of at least 300 records in CD or vinyl format, of which he has listened to at least 100% of half. Records dating pre-1990 will be worth two titles’ credit. Atrocious records indicating inconstancy of good taste and character will be accepted provided the applicant can provide a valid excuse for their inclusion in his collection, as like to
a) It was given me;
b) cultural artifact;
c) Found it on the street, etc.
Stipulation 10 to be amended to read:
Applicants must submit hand-written essays of at least five blue-book’s length each on the theme of personal religion and theodicy in the works of Tom Waits, Rod Argent, Johnny and June Carter Cash, Puccinni, Proust, Tolkien, Solzhenitsyn, Tom Clancy, Bruce Springsteen, Raskolnikov, The Common Book of Prayer,Godspeed You Black Emperor!, Ang Lee, Spike Lee, Stan Lee, John Cale, Emmylou Harris, Igmar Bergman, The Brothers Wachowski, Dostoyevsky, James Joyce, Henry James, The Clash, T.S. Eliot, Townes Van Zandt, Eco, Borges, Van Til, John Donne, Robert Graves, William Carlos Williams, Turgenev, Derrida, Linklater, Nick Cave, Bob Dylan, Hunter S. Thompson, Jane Austen, Radiohead, Elliott Smith, Iris Murdoch, Will Oldham, Leonard Cohen, Morrissey, The Pixies, and Lou Reed. The right is reserved to spontaneously demand a five blue-book’s legnth on any topic, listed or non-listed, so long as we both shall live.
Stipulation 12 to be amended to read:
Applicants must submit papers of at least 20 pages in length on the following topics:
a) Why women must not be in the military;
b) My plans for conducting family worship;
c) Why you prefer to self-load your shotgun shells
rather than get store-bought;
d) On the merits of dark lagers;
e) On the merits of box- verses torpedo-shaped cigars;
f) On the theme “If I Could Be An X-Man, Which One Would I Be?”;
g) My Philosophy of Coffee;
h) The Sign & The Signified;
i) Can Poetry Matter?;
j) The Grand Inquisitor;
k) What’s the Frequency Kenneth?;
l) Who is John Galt?;
m) The 100 Most Beautiful Words in the English Language;
n) Why Pottery Barn and the Gap Are doubleplusgood;
o) The Virtues and Nobility of The Thriftstore Aristocracy;
p) The Dangers of Clear Channel and Mega-Multi-Media-Corporate-Conglomerate Synergies;
q) Margaret Wise Brown’s books;
r) St. Dominic as Compared to St. Francis;
s) Why Gregory Boyd is a Heretic;
t) Aniconic V. Iconic Religious Imagery;
u) Kurt Cobain Was Murdered, and Where Is Kevin Sheilds?;
v) Why Postmodern Art Isn’t ‘Suicide Art’;
w) Why the British Manner of Spelling Is Superiour to the American Way;
x) Typology;
y) ” A Perfect Day for Banana Fish”;
z) Why Little Boys Should Be Allowed to Play with Toy Guns.
Stipulation 13 to be amended to read:
Applicants may not utilize the word “dude” except to refer to men of eastern USA origin who know next to nothing ’bout
ropin’ and ridin’ and brandin’. Applicants will refer to other males as gentlemen.
Pastor Butler’s IBF Services’ Internet Boyfriend Filter (IBF), ver. 1.0 (beta) filtering criteria:
1. All applicants must be hetero - males of marriageable age.
2. All applicants must be biblically qualified to marry (see Westminster Confession of Faith, Chapter 24).
3. All applicants must be professing Christians and members in good standing with an evangelical church.
4. All applicants must be able to agree to the Westminster Standards and / or the Three Forms of Unity as expressive of the one, true, Christian faith, and of their own personal faith.
5. All applicants must be gainfully employed and earning enough to support themselves and a wife and child(ren). Credit reports, earnings statements, bank records, etc., to be submitted upon request. Debt-loads greater than fifteen percent of the applicant’s annual gross earnings will be subject to review by IBF Services. Applicants further must submit a plan for the purchase, in full, of a house, to be accomplished prior to engagement.
6. All applicants must submit to a background check, to include a check of criminal record and interviews with elders of his church.
7. All applicants must subscribe to Net Accountability monitoring service for every computer they normally
access, with record of sites surfed regularly emailed by Net Accountability to IBF Services and to the specific client served. All applicants must submit an affidavit of record of videos / DVDs rented and/or purchased within the past 12 months.
8. All online chat sessions with client will be monitored in real time by IBF Services. Any warnings issued by IBF Services or by the specific client will be grounds for termination of access to clients of IBF Services.
9. Applicants must be owners of a personal library of at least 500 books in paper or vellum format, of which
he has read at least 100 % of half. Works found in the Harvard Classics will be worth two titles’ credit. Little Golden Books, comic books or works containing at least 25% illustrations will not be included in the count, unless they are of the do-it-yourself handyman or auto repair variety.
10. Applicants must submit hand-written essays of a least one blue-book’s length each on the theme of
personal religion and theodicy in the works of Tom Waits, Rod Argent, Johnny and June Carter Cash, Puccinni, Proust, Tolkien, Solzhenitsyn, Ang Lee, and Spike Lee.
11. Applicants must submit a notarized inventory of personally-owned tools, plus photos of 5 projects of work solely their own, completed within the past 6 months. Rebuilding of computers or peripherals will not be counted.
12. Applicants must submit papers of at least 20 pages in length on the following topics:
a) Why women must not be in the military;
b) My plans for conducting family worship;
c) Why you prefer to self-load your shotgun shells rather than get store-bought;
d) On the merits of dark lagers.
e) On the merits of box- verses torpedo-shaped cigars
f) On the theme “If I Could Be An X-Man, Which One Would I Be?”
13. Applicants may not utilize the word “dude” except to refer to men of eastern USA origin who know next to nothing ’bout ropin’ and ridin’ and brandin’.